OTL You don't have to read my angst.

It's been a while.  I feel like so much has changed. 

I've totally neglected my daily uploads to DeviantArt, I barely do the Figure Friday Challenges at the Figure Photography club anymore, and I haven't drawn anything in forever.  The only creative thing I can seem to still pick up on occaision is writing.  But it takes me forever to finalize those.  Not ideal for daily art uploads.  My thoughts just drag on ideas for making custom Nendoroids, even though I'm too afraid of new processes/mediums, to get started, let alone the cost of resins and silicon mold materials.  Though, I've been muddling over starting with attempts at polymer clay custom Nendos. 

I guess this extended hiatus started with my last convention.  That was a perfectly justifiable excuse.  But I haven't been able to get back.  ;_;  Anyone would say that I have all the time in the world, yet somehow, I don't know where it all goes. 

Today and yesterday, I had ideas for photography, but I couldn't even get myself to bring out the figurines and do that kind of art. 

Maybe I'm in one of those "giving up on life" lulls.  I've had those frequently, all my life.  Hard to make art like that.  ....Without going further into the darkness, anyway.  Although, art I've made in that state does tend to be something I look back at fondly. 

Yesterday, I suddenly had a rush of ideas for an illustrated type of episodic short story, or maybe I should call it a figure photography comic with accompanying story text.  But I feel ashamed to post it, if I should ever get a bit of it done, besides the story text.  It's just too similar to someone else's work that I've been reading lately.  I guess her episodic illustrations with short "diary" entry captions got into my head, and I was thinking in that way, without even realzing.  But now I know, and I don't know if I can bring myself to show the community who would be interested in the topic, because I'll just look like a copycat.  ;_;  Some voice in my head is telling me not to be ashamed for being an "copycat", because so many good works are_inspired_ by others.  For example, the presentation style in Extra Credits was inspired by Zero Punctuation, but now they seem like a style in and of themselves.  But it would take forever to make the custom Nendoroids for the photoshoots, and my drawing (especially of chibi characters) is so awful, that I probably wouldn't want to post it anywhere it may really get seen.  OTL

I don't even know if I should continue "pretending" to be an artist anymore.  My attempts to make a living at it have not worked well with me, yet returning to a life that's not based on creativity doesn't feel worth living anymore.  (I convinced myself long enough the first time, that I could get fulfillment with just consumerism, like a Normal person.) 

That's where my life is right now.  ;___;  Feels bad, but creating art to post online everyday, has become the least of my priorities lately.  ;______;